last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You are a genius and a whore.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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