she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I have tasted many bathrooms
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
