Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
