Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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