i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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