my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
