my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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