I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
