I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I smell like Dick and happiness
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
