So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Pooping to opera.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
