I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
