I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
