you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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