We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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