Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
