bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
