I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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