does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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