you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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