Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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