It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
