Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
