where am i from again
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
