i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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