Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
