Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
