dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
