Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
