i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
