Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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