My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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