forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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