he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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