i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
