my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
