my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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