as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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