I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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