So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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