Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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