So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
