I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
