I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
