Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
