fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
