Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
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