It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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