fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
my vag is so smooth its legendary
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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