dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
