i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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