I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
